I think these alarms are funny.

I love this:
"As for the alarm, before you go to bed simply tell Nobby what time you want to get up, and he will repeat the time for confirmation. In the morning he will start beeping and chatting at you, so you can either say ‘alarm off’ or grab him by the neck and shake him until he shuts up, depends on what kind of morning you are having."

Old joke but still funny:

  An Old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato  garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only  son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.  
 
 Dear Vincent,  
 I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to  plant  my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old  to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my  troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
 Love, Dad   
 
 A few days later he received a letter from his son.  
 
 Dear Dad,  
 Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.  
 Love, Vinnie
 
 At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.   
 
 Dear Dad,  
 Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do  under the circumstances.  
 Love you, Vinnie

 

Liquid Plummer
Warning: Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages.

Windex
Do not spray in eyes.

Toilet Plunger
Caution: Do not use near power lines.

Dremel Electric Rotary Tool
This product not intended for use as a dental drill.

Arm & Hammer Scoopable Cat Litter
Safe to use around pets.

Bowl Fresh
Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet.

Endust Duster
This product is not defined as flammable by the Consumer Products Safety Commision Regulations. However, this product can be ignited under certain circumstances.

Hair Coloring
Do not use as an ice cream topping.

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you guys are gonna get a kick out of these

actual answers given to teachers/professors

via here
22. Cockburn, Western Australia
Although this name is often pronounced "Coburn" by those who stand to lose from its awfulness, who actually reads that when they see this word? Oh, how it burns.

21. Twatt, Orkney, Shetland Islands, Scotland
The Shetland Islands, pronounced "Shitland Islands" if you have an accent like mine, make up a happy little area north of Scotland where it's too cold for trees to grow. I am related to approximately half the population of the Shetland Islands, share a last name with a quarter of them, and can probably trace my ancestry back to Twatt if I try hard enough. The pride!

20. Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu, New Zealand
Locals call this hill in Hawke's Bay "Taumata" because... Well. Just because.

19. Muff, Ireland
We here at Drivl love puerile humour. They have a town called Muff. Har har har.

18. Looneyville, Texas, United States
Little Looneyville was named for storekeeper John Looney in the early 1870s. But who gives a shit. This is a hilarious name for a town in the state that brought us Dallas, the Bush Twins and Waco. How awkward must that be when you go to college? "Hey guys, my name's Sue and I'm from Looneyville!"

17. Titty Hill, Sussex, England
Falling squarely into the extensive Stupid Place Names From England category, Titty Hill is probably located just north of...

16. Thong, Kent, England
Which actually is south-east of...

15. Gravesend, Kent, England
Oh, come on, England. Graves End? What a nasty, depressing little name. You could have at least gone all the way with this one and called it Corpse Feet.

14. Wetwang, Yorkshire... yep! England again!
Okay, so I'll cut England some slack. It's an old country. You know, if the United States is Google, then England is IBM. Their country is older than fucking dirt. They can't be blamed for having names that sound funny in 2007. But this is kind of ridiculous. Wetwang? I'm surprised they don't have towns called Squishy Vagina or Infected Scrotum.

13. Spread Eagle, Wisconsin
If I were mayor of Spread Eagle, I'd be making diplomatic advances towards the city leaders over in Wetwang to form a Sister-City relationship. Or maybe more of a Platonic-Friends-City relationship. After that, we'd just take thing slow and see what happened.

12. Bald Knob, Arkansas, United States
Well, I guess it's better than Hairy Knob. I assume England already has that one covered.

11. Cockup, Cumbria, England
Cumbria is a county in the very north-west of England. What the backwoods of Alabama are to America is what Cumbria is to Britain. They talk funny up there. Thus, it isn't thoroughly surprising that they have a town called Cockup. What do you call someone from this place? A Cockupper? Cockupeleite? Cockuppian? Cockupican? I suppose it's mildly better than Wetwangger.

10. Whiskey Dick Mountain, Washington State, United States
As hard as America tries, it can't compete with Britain's high standards. This was a good effort, though. Well done, Washington.

9. Hookersville, West Virginia
Undoubtedly named before "hooker" meant "prostitute who picks men up on street corners," Hookersville combines two crimes of place-naming. One, a dirty sounding adjective (they couldn't have chosen "Pleasant"? "Sunny"? "Happy"?) And two, they added "ville" to the end of the town's name. Affixing "ville" to the end of a town's name is like dressing your silly little dog in a cardigan and letting him carry his leash around in his mouth. It just makes the poor animal look fucking stupid.

8. Hell, Michigan, United States
The people in this town at least seem to have a good sense of humour about their home's unfortunate name. Although, I'm sure there's some midwestern idiots in Hell who get all offended and defensive when the town shows up on lists like this. I'm looking forward to reading their insightful emails and comments.

7. Toad Suck, Arkansas, United States
So that's what they do down in the big AR.

6. Middelfart, Denmark
I guess it's not so funny to them, but how do we know that "Seattle" doesn't mean "Big Fat Stinking Turd" in Danish? That's right, we don't. And it probably does.

5. Horneytown, North Carolina, United States
Its proximity to Hookersville, West Virginia is no coincidence. I also assume that, like Hookersville, the naming of Horneytown took place before "horney" meant "aching for a hot piece of ass" with an extra "e". But I'm starting to wonder why, pride and tradition aside, the townspeople in these little places never saw it fit to change their homes' names? Do they enjoy being ridiculed by the entire English-speaking world?

4. Shitterton, Dorset, England
I wonder if they bleep out the first part of Shitterton's name if it's mentioned on TV in America?

3. Disappointment, Kentucky, United States
Le sigh. Never mind. You live in a small town in Kentucky. At least it was appropriately named.

2. Fucking, Austria
The idiots who live in Fucking, Austria had a vote in 2004 to determine whether or not they should change the town's name, and you know what they did? They voted against it, preferring instead to put up with international ridicule, numerous stolen road-signs and horrific Google results.

But the hands-down winner, again from New Zealand is:

1. Whakapapa
Why is this the worst place name in the world? In Maori, the native language of New Zealand, the "wh" sound is pronounced "f". Say it aloud in your office and see what happens.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS". The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F...You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

1. My parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My parents taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My parents taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My parents taught me MORE LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My parents taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My parents taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My parents taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12 My parents taught me about HYPOCRISY .
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out!"

14. My parents taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My parents taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My parents taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My parents taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My parents taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

20. My parents taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My parents taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My parents taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My parents taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My parents taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

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